Our Biggest Enemy...Ourselves

I don't believe my horse, River, ruminates over her past.  She doesn't berate herself for past mistakes or mire herself in negative self-talk.  River lives in the here and now.  The past is the past.  The future is not something to worry about.

To continue to pick apart our past, to continually tear our own selves down, to be anxious about the future --  appears to be uniquely part of the human experience.  And have you noticed that we, as humans,  seem to be hardest on ourselves and more forgiving of others? We tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we would friends or family.  As was initially said many years ago in the Pogo comic strip:  "We have met the enemy and he is us."

When I talk to others who are beating themselves up, I tell them to look at themselves as they would their own best friend.  Would you treat your best friend as you are treating yourself?  If they answer "no", then they are probably being way to hard on themselves.  And while I tell others that, I have to remind myself of the same thing when I get to hard on myself. 

You are first one foremost your own best friend.  Keep reminding yourself of that every day.  And take the picture below and post it where you can see it every day.  I am going to!

Truths and Un-Truths

In the equine world, horses don't wonder if another horse is telling the truth -- things are pretty black and white with horses.  There is "the Truth".  No shades of truth or differing perspectives -- what is, well...is.  You definitely know where you stand with a horse.

In the human world, things get much more complicated.  As humans, we each bring a unique perspective based upon our life experiences, emotions, and biases.  Talk to ten people who are at an event and ask them what happened, you may get ten different answers.  Each person may be stating "the truth", but that truth is grounded in their perspective.  The reality of an event, or "the truth" when taking into account all the different perspectives, is somewhere in the middle -- after you strip away all the human brain-induced biases.  As Sgt. Friday said, "Just the facts, Ma'am".

In the human realm, there are truths and there are un-truths -- whether that be the "fib", the "half-truth", the "little white lie", the "whopper lie", or the un-truth by virtue of omission.  We've all been guilty of delivering "un-truths"; whether it be to save face, to save another from hurt feelings, or to not face consequences associated with the truth.   The problem with "un-truths" is that the larger they are, the more apt they are to wreak havoc, not only for us but for those who are the recipients of these un-truths. 

And what is our reaction when we are caught in an un-truth?  Looking at the media today, it seems that the most common reaction is denial, followed by anger, and then finally -- maybe -- remorse with an apology.  We tend to get defensive that we've been found out, maybe blame others, when the most direct and effective method is a true, heartfelt apology followed by a genuine effort to repair the damage caused by the un-truth. 

Easy? Definitely not! There is no other method, though, that gives us a chance to make things right -- or at least to make it better. 

It All Starts with Trust....

"..and he whispered to the horse, trust no man in whose eyes you do not see yourself reflected as an equal."  ~ Unknown

It is as true in the horse world as it is in the human world, and I would venture to say the whole of the at least higher animal world, that "trust" is the foundation of relationships.  Trust, in the purest animal sense, can mean literally mean the difference between living or dying.  A horse in the wild living in a herd places its trust in the leader of the herd to ensure its continued survival.

In humans, trust forms the foundation of our relationships with others and how we interact with them. It also is the most basic element needed to lead others;  for without trust in a leader, one is not a leader.

So, how do we decide in whom to trust or to distrust?  The term often used is "walking the talk" or "say what you'll do - do what you say".  It is an alignment of words and deeds -- over and over and over.  Trust takes time to build and is easily broken when words and deeds are not aligned.  And as long as it takes to build trust, it takes very little to break the bonds of trust.  We must continually show that we are worthy of trust -- whether that be with our family, friends, co-workers, or animal friends.

River continues to reinforce in me the power of trust.  Even though River is not a large horse by any means, she still is a powerful animal with a mind of her own.  The world could be on her terms if she chose.  Establishing trust with River has been an evolving process.  She has always accepted me, but it has been through River's illness and convalescence that we have truly developed a  level of trust that we haven't had before.  It is exemplified by her stopping her eating and walking to greet me at the gate, and her tolerance as I learn to be a better rider.  I am always mindful that her trust is hard earned and I have to keep earning it.  And she repays my trust in kind.  And for that I am grateful.



River comes to greet me at the gate.

United We Stand....Divided We Fall

I proudly hail from the Commonwealth of Kentucky, though I have been some time now a Florida transplant.  The motto on the Kentucky State flag is "United We Stand - Divided We Fall". Pretty profound when you think about it.  After all, aren't we more powerful when we work together toward a common goal, as opposed to everyone going in different directions?  How often, though, do we go our own way, not because we don't support the same larger goal as others, but because we are locked into our own paradigm of the world.  It could be "my way is the only way to do it" or "I don't agree with [insert name here]" or "I don't want to work with [insert name here]"... We go off on our own path, only to find that it would have been much easier and effective to join together to meet that greater common goal. 

There are countless examples of the power of unity, both recounted a myriad of times in history and in a smaller context in our daily lives.  Look at a horse and its rider -- a horse and rider working together is profoundly beautiful.  A horse and rider that are in conflict is another matter.  You could have the best horse or the best rider, but if that unity -- that oneness, is not established -- well, it is all for naught.

It takes courage and a knowledge of self to be able to step back and look at a situation and determine how to effectively work with others to meet that common goal.  That isn't to say that there may be times that you do need to make your own path, but there are many times when we need to step away from the ego and emotions to determine what is really important.  United, we can do great things!

Pushing the Envelope...

From "The Phrase Finder":


"Pushing the envelope: To attempt to extend the current limits of performance. To innovate, or go beyond commonly accepted boundaries"

"This phrase came into general use following the publication Tom Wolfe's book about the space programme - The Right Stuff, 1979:

"One of the phrases that kept running through the conversation was ‘pushing the outside of the envelope’... [That] seemed to be the great challenge and satisfaction of flight test."

Wolfe didn't originate the term, although it's appropriate that he used it in a technical and engineering context, as it was first used in the field of mathematics..."

 

I am "pushing the envelope", but I am not talking Rocket Science or mathematics, but about pushing the envelope on my fears.

 

About a month back, I wrote about an incident I had on River that really shook my confidence and made me fearful.  Over the past month, my trainer and I have been "pushing the envelope" on my fears, building on experiences that have allowed me to be more confident as a rider.  Yesterday was a true breakthrough for me -- I was totally relaxed in the saddle on River.  As a result, River and I had a most excellent lesson!

 

For those not into everything equine -- a horse can almost seem telepathic.  If you are nervous, the horse detects it and figures there is something to be nervous about as well.  Horses aren't telepathic, but excellent readers of body language, as any animal who is lower on the food chain needs to be to survive.  The calmer you are, the more calm and responsive the horse is.  So, being calm and relaxed is critical to riding a horse. 

 

Even the most confident of us have fears -- fear of public speaking, fear of flying, fear of change.  Some of these fears can truly hinder us in living the life we are meant to live, to experience all that life has to offer.  To break through these fears, it doesn't require one monumental leap but many, many small leaps of faith that build upon each other, giving us the confidence to take that additional step in the direction we want to take.  Sometimes there are back-steps along the way, but each effort makes us stronger, more resilient, more able to take on the next challenge.

What are you afraid of?  What small steps can you take to break through that barrier of fear?  River and my trainer are helping show me how.

 

 

Horses Just Know...

Events this week really reinforced for me the whole idea of the circle of life.  My Step-Dad passed away after an illness and my son is celebrating his birthday.  Both events have caused me to pause and reflect and to cry both tears of grief and of joy.  Life is precious and life is hard.  The high points of life are all the more sweet after we have prevailed over the low points.

A few years ago, my Mother-In-Law passed away.  I went out to the barn to decompress.  No one else was there and I had the opportunity to just walk and spend time with the horses and nature.  I particularly remember walking up to Marquis, a horse at the barn who wasn't the most demonstrative soul -- but Marquis knew that I was grieving in my heart.  He let me hug on him and cry all over him.  He instinctively knew what I was needed at that moment. I left the barn that day with a much lighter heart.  A few days later, my Mother-In-Law's brother came out with me to the barn.  As we sat enjoying nature and watching the horses, he commented that sitting there was the most relaxed and at peace that he had been in days.  The horses and nature were a balm to his soul as well.

So, this weekend, I celebrate the birth of my son and the passing of a gentle and kind man.  I know that I will spend some time at the barn this weekend, where the horses will instinctively know what my heart needs.

Fear and Worry -- Our two biggest nemeses

In Franklin D. Roosevelt's First Inaugural Address in 1932, he uttered the oft quoted line:  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  Truer words could not be said.  How often have we conjured up those feelings of dread, the pit of our stomach churning, about something that we envisioned happening -- but never comes to pass.  Which leads me to another quote, this one from Mark Twain:  “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

I ponder both of these quotes as River and I are going through a transition.  The good news:  River is feeling MUCH better.  The bad news:  She has lost her manners and needs to go back to charm school.  Six or months of semi-retirement can do that to you, I suppose. 

A few weeks ago, I was riding River when she spooked.  She jumped sideways and bucked.  I stayed on, but it definitely shook my confidence.  And lack of confidence doesn't translate well in being a leader to your horse.  So, I am working on getting my confidence back - and those quotes resonate in my mind.  The mind is a very powerful tool and can be your worst enemy -- conjuring scenarios in your head.  Heck, in your mind you've already fallen off the horse before you've gotten on!  Conversely, the mind can also propel you to new breakthroughs -- hence the large role of sports psychology for those that compete.

I have been through this before -- fallen off a horse and it took awhile to get my mojo back.   At that time, I didn't think I would ever be brave again -- but I got there.  And I will again.  The key is to get my head away from what negative might happen to what positive might happen.

This same things applies to any aspect of life in which we feel fear -- fear of failure, fear of public speaking, fear of (fill in the blank).  So, I am filling my head with positive thoughts -- and putting my fears behind me. 

What fears are you facing that become bigger in your mind than they are in reality?  What positive thoughts can help you overcomes those fears and make breakthroughs?  Make your mind your friend and ally. 

Here's to overcoming our two biggest nemeses!